tired all the time

Also how come you just didnt say you cant come today earlier instead of saying it was cuz of the drive

I was thinking over it at that time. I didn’t mean to like, evade a real reason or anything. I just feel really exhausted out of nowhere. I’m currently trying to convince myself to go to the gym in a bit

Idky like my shoulders ache and I’m kinda jittery as if I had too much caffeine (which maybe I did today now that I think about it..)

…

Are you mad at me?

No no why would I be mad at you?

I’m already tired ***

How come you called me *** and not baby?

It was to emphasize the solemnity of what I said

my dad has a cold, chose to go to work td and feels worse. Instead of recognizing his own physical limitations, he instead chooses to lift heavy objects and spend more time outside watering the lawn, which mom&i already said we would take care of

every time my dad has some ailment, we have to almost literally fight him and def argue a lot for him to be sensible instead of worsen the situation

instead of asking for my help, he decided to lift heavy objects a few mins ago without saying he would, and now I’m blamed for not supervising him and making sure he isn’t being dumb.

This is a common occurrence (among many other similar things), it’s tiring and I want out

Bro I feel like parents do that all the time and it’s so annoying I’m sorry you’re experiencing this rn

I’m sorry I didn’t come over

I stopped work around 5:30ish today and once my attention was away from work I realized I felt yucky. I don’t really want to be the low energy non-sociable me around your family yk, truly it’s not me tryna dodge the flex I hope it isn’t taken that way

I know the last 1:1 link we had was your prebday 6ix date and today woulda been the only time I’d see you till next week

DO NOT APOLOGIZE SWEETIE Don’t worry sweetie I super love you And understand that some days you want your alone time! That is totally normal and days you should take for yourself!

Thank you ❤️ I super love you my sweet baby

and the rest I never said

More than my alone time I just.. I don’t wanna be so upset and bothered and sad and angry and exhausted all the time. That’s like my default state, i wake up and feel that way, i feel that way before I fall asleep, i feel that way every day. Everything is too hard, everyone else seems to have something figured out that lets them be okay with whatever is going on with them, or gives them the power to act to fix it. And it’s like either I don’t know how or who to ask, or the answer is embedded in words I can’t decipher. What does it take to create lasting contentment? Is there a person who day in and day out is just okay with everything? If there is, what do they have that I don’t? What do they know that I don’t? What did they do that I never did?

And all the things that bother me are so vague, paradoxical even. Objective reality and what I feel are different, I can see that they’re different, and yet that doesn’t make anything better.

I have good friends, a social life I cant always keep up with much less complain about. I have all the money I need for my life today, I can visibly see my balance growing month to month. I have great food available to me without much effort. I have near unrestricted access to a car, I’m generally not disallowed from doing anything or going anywhere. I have parents that care about me (although life at home isn’t perfect psychologically speaking). I have a girlfriend who deeply loves me and whom I love the same.

So why did the thought of spontaneously ceasing to exist feel relieving to me? Why do I not feel positive if I have all these things? Why am I the way that I am, instead of being happier and more content? I feel like another person in my shoes would feel better than I do, I see misalignment between what is outside me and what I feel on the inside, and I don’t know why. I don’t know when it became this way, I don’t even know if it’s ever been any different. I don’t know what it takes for me to change things, I don’t even know if there exists a different way to be in the first place. Maybe this feeling is all there is; the feeling of hoping for everything to just get better, the feeling of hoping that you’ll figure it all out and crack the key to happiness.

All I know is that I hate this. I don’t want to be me, I want to pause everything and step away from me and just not deal with the whole thing for a bit yk? it’s a job or maybe a jail that I’m in and I’m never off the clock and the job just keeps getting harder

I just read your note I feel the same way, today I wanted to die I don’t want you to feel alone in those thoughts or think that only you’re going through it I feel like almost everyone feels the same way, but it’s just not spoken about Humans are wired to always want better and we’re not content with our life I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re alone feeling these things! We need to open up more and talk about these feelings And see how we can better help one another And nobody has life figured out !!! Remember Maslows hierarchy of needs, self actualization is at the very top and almost unattainable But we can take little steps everyday to bring little joys into our life So tomorrow let’s brainstorm together ❤️ I love you so much and I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re alone with these thoughts But also I am sorry that you’re feeling these feelings, it’s not fun :( :(