disconnect

You said that from your perspective I can’t really do anything or make progress on stuff or make things happen. I can understand why you see me that way, but it’s very untrue. It’s because the stuff I spend most of my time energy and attention on is stuff that I don’t talk about with anyone. I dont talk about those things because nobody cares about them or finds them interesting or valuable, but those things are valuable to me and give my life meaning.

I suppose you could say that my prioritization is all wrong and that’s valid, but nobody in the world except for me will ensure that I do the things that make me happy, and I want to be happy.

I always find it to be the case that everyone has a problem with me not doing what they want, everyone wants me to be different to how I am in a way that suits their own interests. If I adhere to what they want just enough, they leave me alone for a while and I can go back to doing what I want to do. But I never ask anyone to do anything that they don’t wanna do. My policy in life is to live and let live, and that seems to make everyone upset. But nobody gives a shit if I’m living the way that I want to, just so long as I’m providing to them whatever they want from me. That’s fundamentally why I seem to not care about anything; nobody even knows what I want to spend my energy on and they don’t respect the idea that I actually have wants at all. It’s literally all about whether I fulfill requests and complete their tasks. I will never care about the things that the external world wants more than what I internally want, and the proof is my entire personality and demeanour.

In reality, secretly, I’m an extremely focused person. I’m just focused on stuff nobody knows or cares about, and I’m frequently interrupted by the world I live in. It sounds megalomaniacal, but this has been true for as long as I can remember.