in too deep

when i started, i promised myself that my goal would just to have a good experience and not hope and pray that i’ll get anything that lasts. and then i met wifey and got to know her, and at this point idk if i can force myself to be chill about it. i’ve always been one to overthink and worry about good things not lasting, about being hurt. and that way of thinking has been part of the cause of past failures. and when i experienced rejection for the things i think about and that bother me, i really really thought that maybe those things arent something to communicate. maybe it puts people off, or maybe i can’t communicate it the right way, maybe no matter who someone is or how close i am with them, there are things they don’t want to hear about me, idk. so i decided to become different than i was and see what that would be like. after that i met wifey. but the person wifey seems to be is someone i didnt think could exist. i really genuinely didn’t think someone like this could be real, that it’d always just be an imaginary, impossible caricature of a human i’d created in my mind to comfort myself during moments i didnt feel accepted. and now i’m at a loss, maybe the nihilistic, protective belief system i created for myself isnt necessary. maybe wifey will continue to demolish my notions of what can be real and what cant. i’ll try to share more and more of the few parts of me i keep hidden from everyone, and maybe being met with acceptance might just be possible in a way i thought impossible. idk, i’m afraid