question it

The first thing that you said when I asked why you’re choosing to be in this relationship is that you’re in too deep now. The other reason was that you are making a deliberate choice to stay because breaking up is not an option.

I notice that there weren’t any reasons based on any positive merits of the relationship itself. I’m sure you could come up with some if you thought about it, but correct me if I’m wrong but none of those things are the strongest reason, right? They’re the nice parts, but the reason you stay is simply that you’ve decided to and you are deciding that your decision is final

For me, while I choose to stay in a relationship with you, the reasons are founded on other things. Those reasons outweigh the negatives every time I’ve seriously thought about it (which has been a lot, silently, in the background). I want to be with you because I like hanging out with you regardless of what we’re doing, I like talking to you because it’s so fun, I like that we hold hands, I like that we hug and cuddle, I like our bond over music, I like that we both have a similar balance of appreciation for peaceful nature and social fun, I like that we’re goofy and can be politically incorrect and can be lighthearted, I like that you have strong ties to your family, I like that you can critique situations from an emotional and rational lens as appropriate, I like that you don’t act impulsivity in a destructive manner, I like that I can spend so much time interacting with you and not even notice it, I like that the way we interact has so much mental connection to it without the need for every feeling to be spoken as words, I like that you and I are mostly if not always in tune with each others internal state, I like laughing with you and feeling the intensity of whatever problems I’m facing soften as a result. I have more, but I’ve always summarized the above with saying “I love you because when we’re together it feels like we live in our own little world” (remember me saying that? I said it a lot in the past, back when I paid more attention to the fact that you’re very special to me)

Over the last 2 days I said that I hear that there are some big problems, and I recognize my fault in them and that the problems evolved because of some core things about me. I see the fault I have in that and how it’s led to hurting you, I want to amend those things and I will keep improving them. I tried to come up with steps I could take to move in the direction of a resolution (perhaps not the right steps, but my intention was to at least try to come up with something to start with, as I also stated). If I reflect on how I’ve changed as a person over the last 3 years, I see massive changes in the direction of a man who is increasingly ready to be in a loving relationship, and is increasingly capable of doing things necessary to support a small family

I meant everything that I said over the last two days, including the part where I urged you to consider if a relationship and marriage with me is really your cup of tea or not. I stand by that, I think you need to really spend some time and ask yourself if you would be better off single, or with someone else who checks all your boxes. If your decision to stay has any component of fear of not finding someone else, I guarantee you that staying in a situation you feel shitty about leads to higher regret. You have proof that when you’re naturally on your own, you’re living your best life (ie 2022, as you’ve mentioned several times).

Do you really want to deal with things not being to the standard they should be at for you, and perhaps slowly improving over time but having to be patient? Do you really want to have to compromise on the way you want to live your life? Do you really want to struggle through the process of becoming the feminine influence on a marriage, and having to always counsel the male counterpart? Do you really want to struggle through the transition of your primary role becoming the wife in a new marriage where the family unit will take time to develop and stabilize, rather than enjoy the comfort of primarily being the daughter in a stable family with a preestablished dynamic you’re familiar with, and where you are primarily the recipient of support rather than the provider of it? Do you really want a husband, and to struggle through the process of figuring out what that even is with you and me? Why, in particular, is it worth it for you? Why would your life be worse if you were single, living with your family on your own terms, or living on your own?

I’ve asked myself variants of these questions over time before, I’ve tried to go through in my head what life would look like if I chose to be single, if XYZ detail about life was different, etc. I’ve given myself answers that I’m content with, even after revisitation, and the conclusion is always that I’m looking forward to experiencing a life with you rather than without you. Maybe my methods are not instagram-reel worthy, or therapist-grade, or valid to anyone but me, but I find it helps me not worry so much about the future and lets me be happy with today.