something off

so something feels kinda off about yesterday and its kinda been bothering me so i’d like to see if i can figure out more concretely whats going on. it might seem like overanalyzing it all, but truly i’m just trying to make sure that we dont have any issues we need to address. I love you so much and maybe i dont speak exactly the same language as you when expressing it but i hope you can see that in my own way i try my best to care for our relationship. im gonna start by trying to replay all the events of yesterday and see what comes to mind

okay so i think everything was fine before yesterday. I also feel like everything was happy and great up until we started eating maybe? idk did anything strike you as off or bothersome before that?

anyway i think i could sorta tell you weren’t really happy while we were eating. maybe at first you were fine because we were hungry, but then it kinda changed. i’m sure a bit of it had to do with it being kindof cramped with a lot of people nearby. but also i think my eating really bothered you; “table manners” as you phrased it. I think its not the first time either, and i think it stems from you and i having different ideologies about eating at a fancy restaurant (or maybe the way to eat in general?). you mentioned the eating pizza crust with the pasta sauce as weird, and maybe overall you feel i’m a messy eater? like not holding the fork and knife in the right way kinda thing, or eating too much in one bite, maybe when i accidentally drop some food its a lot bigger of a deal to you than it is to me? or perhaps its weird to you that it always seems like i have to finish whatever is on the plate? idk but basically i think you and i see it differently. so maybe it made you feel like i dont care about how i look in public, and that (understandably and rightfully) causes you to feel embarrassment? this is my guess, what do you think?

and then after our meal i think it was fine until we were taking pictures in front of the mirror? i think you looked at me and saw that i was getting annoyed by it. i phrase it this way because i didn’t feel all that annoyed by the picture taking itself, but i was getting annoyed. i’ll explain in a sec

anyways after that we went outside near that flower wall to figure out the next move. i think something was weird there because you were being close to me in public, but at the same time you weren’t comfortable with it. and me seeing you being touchy with me in public communicated to me that you’re cool w it, but that wasn’t actually the case, which resulted in some moments where i tried to kiss your forehead and hug you but you were uncomfortable with it and rejected the action. this struck me as off-putting, because minutes prior it seemed that there was no embarrassment in taking mirror selfies in the entrance of a restaurant. i dont see how one of these scenarios is weird in public and the other is okay. so thats where i kinda felt off about it, and maybe you picked up on that? i think i also did some things to bother you that i didnt seem to notice, and you by consequence felt a little off about the moment too? thats my assessment of what happened, what do you think?

after that no issue comes to mind until we were going on our adventure back to union. i dont remember the more minor things but maybe you were feeling annoyed by me? or maybe you felt you were annoying me? i’m not really sure. ofc the misstep was when i hurt ms. chandi :( (which i am truly sorry for, it really wasnt my intention). you see in my mind your butt is STRONG. i’m not exactly sure why i think that but i do. and perhaps i didnt judge the speed on impact properly 💀 either way yeah that didnt go the way i was intending. right before it however, you (like normal), were being playfully mean to me. genuinely it never bothers me, as long as it actually is lighthearted and not actually meant that way. i like when we have witty banter, its really fun. however i notice that sometimes you aren’t tolerant of me reciprocating what you say to me (or atleast thats what it sounds like), which confuses me (and i think we had an instance of that situation yesterday). it makes me think that its not just us being silly, but that you’re being kinda serious, which would imply that you actually intend to be a little mean. When i perceive that to be happening, thats when it really bothers me. idk i’m sure its like a body-language vocal-tone miscommunication thing that neither of us identify so we dont point it out in the moment, and then something feels off. No matter what our in-the-moment interactions are like, i have a lott of respect for you, i see you as a strong person and an independent adult. Maybe i feel like i dont make it ambiguous that i see you that way, but maybe in reality it comes across differently (and if thats how it is sometimes I am sorry). is any of what i mentioned resonating or sounding right, what do you think?

I think everything afterwards was much better, but I think maybe you don’t see it that way. I think i must’ve been kinda complainy or something cuz I think you were upset. You feel guilt for forcing me to do a big favour (that you also view as having had little ROI on time), I don’t view it that way. You always asked me if I’m okay with the whole concert-related part of our day and I said yes. You think that I said yes even though I didn’t mean it because I want to appease you and that I believe my only way to do so is to listen to you. Ngl that’s big R-word, cuz I’ll never be able to 100% appease you. Not because you’re a problem or anything, but because you and I are different people. My ideologies and mindset and behaviours are different to yours, though there is large overlap. We get along really well, but we are not identical. I will dislike you in ways that you differ from me in a way I don’t agree with, and you will dislike me in ways that I differ from you in ways you don’t agree with. Unfortunately the list will likely grow with time, I guess that’s part of what it means to be life partners with someone. It’s about whether we can find consistent happiness together and be malleable and tolerant to each other’s differences, even as we learn about new ways in which we aren’t aligned.

I felt happy with you in line, genuinely. I was cranky sometimes and afterwards because of physical fatigue, and that made me momentarily forget what I actually care about. I will always say this because it is always true, you will never 100% believe me (even if you think you do), but what I care about most is holding your hand, hugging you, and just being in each other’s presence. I don’t care where we are, what we’re eating, what pictures we’re taking, what the time or schedule is, nothing. I don’t care about anything but being in your presence and having your attention, that is the only thing that matters to me. I am the happiest when we do the simple things; sing along to songs together, made jokes and silly faces, just hang out like friends who can yap for hours. That’s what makes me feel close to you, everything else is inconsequential in comparison. So there was no need to feel sorry or bad, I agreed to something and I meant it. I made that decision. I may bend here and there but I’m sorry, I won’t let you make me do things I don’t agree with just to appease you. To me, that’s disrespecting you. If I can’t be straight with you (not mean or insulting, I mean truthful and honest about myself) that means I’m not being a good friend to you. The opposite is also true; if you feel ways about anything to do with me and don’t bring it up with me, I see that as you not wanting to be friends.

I’m sorry if that sounded harsh at the end, but I hope you can see I wasn’t trying to be mean. I was attempting to show you that I don’t take the word “friend” lightly, let alone “bestie” ❤️

This isn’t everything but it’s all that comes to mind rn, and it has room for discussion on everything mentioned which I think is more useful than me thinking and writing every last thing that could remotely be non-perfect