the cost of surprises

Man I wish I could just talk to you about stuff, I really don’t like all this secrecy fr. Like if you don’t mind, I don’t ever wanna do some really big grand elaborate plan for you in secret again. It’s incredibly isolating, it’s incredibly uncertain, and I just feel a lot of distance between us cuz there’s this huge part of my daily life that you’re not even a part of and you don’t know details about.

I have this tiny 0.01% resentment about this situation and how it’s played out. Like when you said “you need to have a speech”, I didn’t even disagree with you but tbh I was just annoyed with the fact that you said that. Like to me it sounds like you require stuff so casually, “I don’t like this decor, I want a photographer, I want it intimate, I want it outdoors, don’t spend a fortune, I want a party, I want everything on the same day, I wanna see this person and that person, I wanna be surprised, …” etc etc. I’m not disagreeing with all your preferences, at this point I’ve made a lot of them happen (but not all, and it won’t be all). My issue is that in my mind, you have no clue how difficult or expensive it is (time, effort and money) to make your requests happen, and thus you won’t be able to appreciate exactly what transpired to make it happen. idk it’s not even your fault, my biggest mistake was trying to adhere to everything you wanted of me since the start, and going with it for so long instead of making sensible choices. One thing I’d ask you in the future is to be a little more careful of what you ask of me (or suggest to me that you want), because i end up going through a lot to fulfill those things exactly as you request, even if it’s painful for a long time.

But right now I’m not upset, not anymore. I’m actually quite calm and content with how things are because tbh I’ve done so much more than what’s considered reasonable, and my plan as a whole is really nice in my opinion.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been really good moments when my ideas and vision and plans work out spectacularly and everyone acknowledges it, but when twists in the road happen it really screws w me yk?

At this point I’m aware of how excellent of a job I’ve done for a very very significant large chunk of the entire plan cuz of all the positive feedback, but when things go wrong and I can’t decide “would she be okay with this? Would she like decision A better or decision B, given the pros and cons of both?” and everything like that

Like ofc you know some small details, but the things you don’t know about, all the hours and hours of discussions, the big choices and the big transactions (I’m on track to pass $2k, maybe even $2.5 or $3k depending on what you include in the cost), and running around all day every weekend and not spending any time with you and basically never seeing you