the pain of wedding expenses

This wedding shit is too expensive

yeah I think all the wedding stuff has given me some anxiety problems over the months

and I’ve never felt so uncomfortable about money in my life as I have the past 8 months

all of this and I don’t even know who is actually appreciating it, or even paying attention to it all, in the end

who will actually look at all the expensive things and feel happy about them? I dont even know who the client for this work is. I used to think it was you, but I have a feeling you feel like you have a client you’re trying to please, but idk who that is

I try to detach myself from how much money is being spent because I think it’ll help me stay sane, but honestly it doesn’t. Even after psyching myself into thinking that I don’t want money and it’s better if I spend it all and have none, I don’t find peace at the end of that tunnel

I’m not saying all this to complain, there’s no point in that. I’m saying this because I have no other way to deal with my feelings than speak them aloud; I can’t fix them and I can’t change them, the only control I have is whether I describe them or not

Like we can cut back on some of the expenses that we still need to get

I don’t even know if that’s a solution, because I don’t know what the downside is of not paying to have certain things. I don’t even know who the beneficiary is of everyone’s efforts, and subsequently who is the negatively affected entity when things aren’t up to par

I woulda thought it’s mainly you, but nowadays I can hear the exhaustion and frustration in your voice and I can see the tiredness on your face when the wedding topic arises. I don’t even know if you’re happy or you’re just trying to appease something or someone and maintain your sanity the best you can

I just cant tell anymore, I don’t know what is good or what is bad, all I know is that everyone is stressed

I feel sad for you, I feel sad for me, I feel sad for our families, everyone is trying to make something very special and big and detailed happen, and everyone has surely undergone a lot of stress as a part of it. Even if focusing on just you, you’ve changed your living arrangements, you’ve had to change your lifestyle, you’ve had to contend with the changing demands of work, and you haven’t gotten the opportunity to really get stabilized into any of it. Even if everything is going well from a performance/timeline pov, you have the feelings of not taking advantage of your time in Toronto. Your life is a stress roller coaster, either you’re stressed about work, or wedding stuff, or outings, or staying in/not doing outings, or being alone, or being bored, or being sleep deprived, or your physical health, or the trajectory of your relationship, or your relationships with others, or a hundred other things. Forget every other person for a moment, how much does your life cost you to live as is? I don’t mean money, I mean everything in aggregate; what tax is your soul paying?