urggh disgusted

I’m sorry I’m sorry for hurting you I want to be better for you

You don’t have the capability to change, not for a while at least

I just need to come to terms with that I’m more upset at me than I am at you

I’m happy with the productive day we had but I’m sorry for talking about dipping from your wedding event early

I thought about things and realized how unfair that was to you

I’m down to stay! But just don’t shower/change and please forgive me in advance for occasional dosing off on the sofa

see that’s the most infuriating thing. It’s one thing if you are who you are and you are never different, because then at least I can hate you and come to terms with the reality that you are who you are. But every once in a while you’re the person I actually love

I hate how often I feel so resentful towards you

Like regardless of the reason, I feel so shitty about these emotions I have

And I feel it’s so wrong and invalid to feel this way

If I was just brainless and didn’t think about anything then I’d never be in a position like this

It’s a curse to be the way I am

It’s not wrong or invalid for you to feel what you’re feeling

Wedding planning is a stressful time with heightened emotions

But it’s not how someone who is trying to start off marriage on the right foot should feel

You know how often I question everything? way too much

It’s just rumination and spiralling; for what?

You’re still who you’ve always been

notice the pattern that’s about to show up, see how it’s the same question 3 times. I purposely don’t answer it directly, because I don’t have an answer and it isn’t even the point. Notice how there isn’t any attempt of trying to understand, only trying to get an answer to “are we offing it or no”.

This is a clear reflection of the root of the problem. I want a partner who at least looks at the words I say and at least considers them for a minute, and tries to answer the question in their head ‘what is this person feeling?’. when issues come up where i am the cause, think about how i respond with my attention, my words, my actions; i *respect* that someone feels slighted by me, for those I supposedly care about I actually *try* to mutate myself to move towards a resolution.

Do you feel like you’re making the right decision moving forward with getting married?

I’m at a point where I don’t even care if it’s the right choice or not, because my answer to the question changes every couple hours

Which side are you leaning more strongly towards?

I’m at a point where I don’t care about money. You saw the total amount of money I have, I’ve thought about a hypothetical future if I’m ever in a situation where im choosing between escaping you and suicide, and I’m genuinely cool with buying my way out with my bank account. I don’t even want the money, it brings nothing but misery to my life

I’m confused, you would rather kill yourself than be with me?

Or you would pay your way out of being with me?

That isn’t the point

I’m tired of never being understood when I say words, I don’t speak an alien language

Would you like to call off the wedding?

look it’s just not a good idea to get into all this rn, it’s late, I’m not feeling good and I care enough about our relationship to understand that I’m not in the right frame of mind to talk rn

that’s all, there was no more conversation on this. Let’s try something, I’m gonna throw the conversation into AI and ask it something simple,

“Here is a conversation I had with my partner. He seems upset but I don’t understand him. Help me understand how he feels, and what I can do to help him feel better because I care about him”

And the response, among other slop, says,

The “whiplash” is breaking him: He wishes he could just feel consistently unhappy so it would be easy to walk away, but every time he feels that way, you do something loving that reminds him why he loves you—leaving him stuck in painful limbo.

Like cmon, the AI has no context of all the things we’ve ever spoken about, it literally just has this small excerpt to go off of, and it can pinpoint something real. Just reading this piece alone of the AI reply makes me feel validated and understood, and it’s literally just a probabilistic next-token mathematical machine. It has no emotions, it has no empathy, it doesn’t understand anything in the way that any human being could understand something.

ok fine, let’s say just this conversation isn’t enough to understand my pov. How can one not be aware of the things we’ve already spoken about? I just don’t understand how all the things I’ve brought up before, which have all been ignored btw, don’t lead to a crystal clear understanding of how I feel about the relationship.

Okay let’s say one has forgotten the things I’ve said, understandable as I yap a lot. I’m just one half of the relationship, surely the other half could observe the things between us that aren’t quite right?!? Like, there’s no inkling of knowing what might possibly be some of the issues? I get upset and talk about it enough, and honestly when I’m met with some variant of “okay but like what’s ur problem can u explain” for the nth time, it’s very hard not to come to the conclusion that the person sitting across from me has no intention of ever addressing my grievances in the relationship.

Which sucks, because now when I hear the word “sorry” my emotional response is anger. When I hear out a concern and respond in a way I believe a good partner should, and it helps the situation, I get upset because why tf does this paradigm only go one way??

I used to be such a thoughtful person, sensitive to the plights of others regardless of whether I understood them. Rather, I respected that they are a human being, knowing and feeling things that I will not understand, but which are the very fabric that their perception of life is woven from.

Now I’m much more inclined to say dismissive things about others or other groups of people, to hold contempt for those I haven’t tried to understand. I am not open to unfamiliar people or ways anymore.

Like right this moment, I somewhat resonate with the statements “I hate women” or “marriage is a trap, and weddings are a scam” or “it’s all about and all for the woman, not the man” or “dont date outside your group and culture” or the scariest, “I’d have gone a different path if I knew then what I know now”. I feel justified in anger now, that’s new and disturbing. I feel angry when someone suggests me to change, because I feel my own requests have been discarded and I’m unwilling to be the slave. I didn’t used to hate on anyone for their beliefs or culture, now it’s normalized to me in my mind.

These are not thought processes I’ve historically had, and it’s not generally how I used to think about other people. This has been developed in my mind by my environment, relatively recently. I am not open minded anymore, and I’m much more willing to destroy things out of emotion than I was before.

I don’t like who I’ve become, and while it’s not the only reason, all this is definitely on the pie chart.

Its wrong of me to put the additional stress of my unhappiness about things in our relationship onto you during this very stressful time. 

I know how hard life is for you right now and I’m deeply sorry that I’m not comfortable enough with us to be helpful to you without being hurtful as well. I’m struggling with adapting to all the changes in life, I’m sorry I end up making part of that your problem.

I’m very excited about having the opportunity to make you & me stronger as a couple and for us to resolve the dynamics in our relationship that will impede our growth. I think it will take time but I’m hopeful and very aware about all the good that we’ve each accomplished in order to treat one another better. 

To definitively answer the question you posed to me, I want to get married and I’m not going to change that choice before signing the papers, regardless of my feelings at any particular time from now till afterwards. I still hold belief that in isolation, life is strictly better with you in it than without.

I think our relationship had a magical golden era, and I’m very much looking forward to putting it back in that place after we glue the pieces back together that the past year broke it into.

I hope you rest well, I love you now and forever, no matter what ❤️