Fear on ~/signaldrift

mourning the old

Thu, 12 Mar 2026 02:09:37 +0000

If we were talking now I think I’d talk about how I’m excited about our new adventure, but also in a way I’m silently mourning the end of what life was like till now

The end of living with my parents, the end of the comfort and safety of childhood, and the cautious acceptance that from now on the responsibilities increase and the available time to handle them decreases. Maybe I’ll have to let go of things I haven’t really made my peace with letting go of yet, and I have some fear about that

bad dream 2

Sun, 31 Mar 2024 15:30:11 +0000

I had a dream last night where you were insisting on making our relationship open, and I was really upset but kept saying I’m not okay with that. And then you revealed that you already cheated on me, and then you were crying and said that you recently realized you never really loved me. that you only psyched yourself into it because you thought I was a good person and the relationship would be good for you, and that you wanted to keep your goal of getting married by a certain age above all else. and then I woke up around 7am groggy and in a cold sweat

bad dream

Sun, 02 Jul 2023 03:34:37 +0000

Basically you randomly out of nowhere left me by texting me “I’m out”, but I needed to pretend everything was still okay for some reason.

But then we just kept communicating and I’d keep getting snaps from you where you were happy and everything was fine and you didn’t really even acknowledge the fact that you weren’t with me anymore and like, my mind was acc breaking. I was happy that you didn’t seem to be hurt at all and everything was fine for you but I really just wanted to die cuz I was that hurt.

mortality

Mon, 01 May 2023 20:48:43 +0000

yk before you became who you are to me, I never really minded the fact that I’m mortal. It wasn’t the happiest idea, but i didn’t really feel negatively towards it. Like if I had to disappear tomorrow, it wouldn’t be all that bad, I could make peace with that idea.

But for a long while now whenever i think of that fact I get sad; no matter how well everything turns out, there’s gonna come a time in the far future where I’ll have to say goodbye to you and that makes me really really really sad. No matter how beautiful life together is, one day in the far future it’ll disappear, and that will hurt 😔

it hurts

Thu, 09 Mar 2023 23:48:11 +0000

when I tell her “I love you so much”, it’s an incomplete sentence. I’m omitting the words “.. it hurts”; I don’t really understand why exactly but I love her so much it’s kinda painful. like in a heartache kinda way. all I can think of is that I really really really want this to go well, she’s acc perfect (ik ik, for me, but I genuinely think wifey is perfect). and simultaneously I’m becoming increasingly aware that it would hit me HARD if it doesn’t pan out. probably a level of pain I haven’t experienced before, which makes it even scarier to think about. like it’s still relatively early but I can tell; if the end of something objectively not so great made me unable to eat sleep or function for two weeks, I’m genuinely afraid of what my response would be if this ended. I don’t even know if I could acc get over it, I think it’d feel like a close family member passed away or maybe feel like losing a limb or function of a really important body part. It’s not even helpful to be mentally worked up over this, especially when everything is going so good and i feel incredibly happy when I’m with her and she seems happy to be with me, but I’ve never really been a happy person so ig it’s j natural to think negatively.

in too deep

Wed, 08 Mar 2023 23:34:02 +0000

when i started, i promised myself that my goal would just to have a good experience and not hope and pray that i’ll get anything that lasts. and then i met wifey and got to know her, and at this point idk if i can force myself to be chill about it. i’ve always been one to overthink and worry about good things not lasting, about being hurt. and that way of thinking has been part of the cause of past failures. and when i experienced rejection for the things i think about and that bother me, i really really thought that maybe those things arent something to communicate. maybe it puts people off, or maybe i can’t communicate it the right way, maybe no matter who someone is or how close i am with them, there are things they don’t want to hear about me, idk. so i decided to become different than i was and see what that would be like. after that i met wifey. but the person wifey seems to be is someone i didnt think could exist. i really genuinely didn’t think someone like this could be real, that it’d always just be an imaginary, impossible caricature of a human i’d created in my mind to comfort myself during moments i didnt feel accepted. and now i’m at a loss, maybe the nihilistic, protective belief system i created for myself isnt necessary. maybe wifey will continue to demolish my notions of what can be real and what cant. i’ll try to share more and more of the few parts of me i keep hidden from everyone, and maybe being met with acceptance might just be possible in a way i thought impossible. idk, i’m afraid