Love on ~/signaldrift

I see you

Wed, 29 May 2024 02:08:58 +0000

yk, it’s tiring being a person. It’s really a lot to deal with. To have to gain consciousness every day and play the role of who you are day in and day out. And at the same time, you don’t have a director to tell you what’s next and how to do which scene, etc. rather, you gotta make all the decisions yourself and then act them out, every single day.

There’s a lot of fun to be had and some really amazing experiences that come from this daily cycle. But it’s still just a LOT, yk? especially when considering that this big movie you’re in has other people in it, doing the same thing you are but in completely different ways

I thought about this many years ago actually. And when I subsequently thought about what I want from a life partner it was summed up pretty easily with this in mind; someone that no matter what will always see that I’m just doing this daily cycle of acting out a life, unsure of how to do it right, what to do or what it all means. And will respond to me with empathy and acceptance.

I decided then that I would be this way to others, because I know what it’s like to so strongly want that acknowledgement. Not even help, although that would be great. Just someone who would look at me every day, and from a purely empathetic place tell me “I see what you are, I feel for you and I accept you”.

I’m not always 100% able to be that person for others or even my partner, but every once in a while for whatever reason, I’m brought back to this thought and I resonate with it again. And I reach the same conclusion about how to proceed from this point.

What I want to say is that I see you. I see who you are, I see who you’re trying to be. I see all the things that ail you, I see the hope and the uncertainty you have. I see that every day you wake up and you try your best to do the correct actions, but that you’re not truly sure if they are. I feel for this experience you’re piloting alone without any guide. and I accept you, I will ALWAYS accept you.

you are home

Tue, 07 Nov 2023 23:31:14 +0000

You’re the only person I’ve ever met where I never want our time together to end. I don’t ever feel “I’m satisfied, I want to go home and be alone now” with you, you ARE home to me. You’re also the only person I’ve ever met where I am truly completely myself around; every single other person I filter who I am in some way. I don’t know what the secret sauce is, and I have a feeling I’ll never find out. There’s some otherworldly magic about you, maybe it’s your beautiful eyes when they look into mine, maybe it’s your smile I’ll never get enough of, maybe it’s your cute laugh that cures sadness, maybe it’s any one of the million beautiful aspects of your personality, maybe it’s a combination of all those things and there’s probably something more to it that I’ll never really understand

parting ways

Wed, 02 Aug 2023 17:35:34 +0000

the sensation of parting ways after each time we see each other hurts my heart a lot. i have slightly gotten used to ignoring it, and its made better by the fact that even apart, we include each other in our daily lives; it still hurts though. sometimes i just think about what it was like to be with you the last time i was with you, and it acc feels like a dream. its just surreal, from the moment i’m first in your presence to the last second I see you its very dreamlike. and then as soon as i internalize that I’m apart from you again, it stings a little yk that day a while ago we had our toronto date? at the train station where we parted ways, i hugged you goodbye and had to go to the other side for the train i was taking. i don’t think you saw me, but i actually came back to your side just before you were getting in and I saw you get on the train and leave. I wanted to hug you again, i wanted to kiss you again, i wanted to tell you that i loved you again, i just needed to see you again. i chose not to get your attention because i knew it wouldn’t really matter in the grand scheme; we both still had to go our separate ways. and ofc i talk to you every day and still get to see you and hear you on facetime, and i’ve visited you plenty of times after that day too. still, even now i remember what it felt like to turn around and walk back to my side of the platform yk those dreams where you wake up and at first you feel confused because you had this whole other life built up over what felt like years. and you were in the middle of something extraordinary and beautiful before suddenly being ejected from that reality, and then you wake up in an eerily familiar place. Over the next few seconds while you reacclimatize to the real world theres this feeling of longing for the world you just left behind, the fleeting idea that you’re leaving behind something crucial and you need to go back for it. And ofc a couple minutes into your day this feeling evaporates, even for the most captivating dreams. But those couple seconds after you wake up from such a dream, that’s what it feels like to part ways with you.

little moments

Sun, 23 Apr 2023 00:55:36 +0000

Sometimes I’ll start daydreaming about a hypothetical day in the future after we’re married. Sometimes I just think about picking you up and giving you a big hug when you walk in the door after work. Sometimes I think about going on a walk with you or a quick lunch date during a busy work day. I think about holding you in my arms while we’re curled up on the couch watching the sunrise. I think about dancing with you in the living room. I think about stealing glances of you while you’re busy working at your desk in our home office, and then giving you a kiss before returning to mine. I think about laying down beside you under the sun on a summer day, and looking into your eyes as they shine in the soft glow of a starry night sky. I think about the countless little moments in life and how amazing and beautiful they’ll be because of you. I love you <3

the journey

Sun, 23 Apr 2023 00:55:26 +0000

🌹 For the first time I have this strong confidence and faith that life can be good, that whatever challenges it may have in store can be overcome. Its because of you. I may not already know what it means to live a good life, but with you by my side I know we’ll make it a good life. Every day I feel excited waking up knowing you’re mine. I feel so lucky to be on the journey through life hand-in-hand with you. I love you baby <3

magical wonder

Sun, 23 Apr 2023 00:41:39 +0000

You’re absolutely gorgeous. Truly beautiful, like the most magnificent painting or sculpture or art piece one could ever see. And I don’t just mean in appearance, I mean everything about you. Any ordinary experience is imbued with this magical wonder when you’re a part of it. Watching tv, playing some games, walking around outside, or even just laying down staring at each other becomes this most precious, beautiful moment because of you. I feel this deep appreciation that you simply exist and that you are you. I feel happy knowing you’re spending time with your family or friends, even when that means you’re away from me, because it means that the people you care about also get to experience this magical wonder when you’re with them. Simply being around you is such an amazing feeling, everyday the thought that I’m truly blessed to have you in my life crosses through my mind. I deeply love you baby <3

it hurts

Thu, 09 Mar 2023 23:48:11 +0000

when I tell her “I love you so much”, it’s an incomplete sentence. I’m omitting the words “.. it hurts”; I don’t really understand why exactly but I love her so much it’s kinda painful. like in a heartache kinda way. all I can think of is that I really really really want this to go well, she’s acc perfect (ik ik, for me, but I genuinely think wifey is perfect). and simultaneously I’m becoming increasingly aware that it would hit me HARD if it doesn’t pan out. probably a level of pain I haven’t experienced before, which makes it even scarier to think about. like it’s still relatively early but I can tell; if the end of something objectively not so great made me unable to eat sleep or function for two weeks, I’m genuinely afraid of what my response would be if this ended. I don’t even know if I could acc get over it, I think it’d feel like a close family member passed away or maybe feel like losing a limb or function of a really important body part. It’s not even helpful to be mentally worked up over this, especially when everything is going so good and i feel incredibly happy when I’m with her and she seems happy to be with me, but I’ve never really been a happy person so ig it’s j natural to think negatively.