Mental on ~/signaldrift

tired all the time

Wed, 31 Jul 2024 19:52:31 +0000

Also how come you just didnt say you cant come today earlier instead of saying it was cuz of the drive

I was thinking over it at that time. I didn’t mean to like, evade a real reason or anything. I just feel really exhausted out of nowhere. I’m currently trying to convince myself to go to the gym in a bit

Idky like my shoulders ache and I’m kinda jittery as if I had too much caffeine (which maybe I did today now that I think about it..)

who

Thu, 30 May 2024 23:50:20 +0000

I find myself constantly grasping for something because I’m deeply dissatisfied with who I am. I think I want to be a certain person and I don’t think I am that person. Or maybe in my head I see myself as that person but I recognize externally I’m not that person. That’s why I have all these projects and things I try to do that are beyond my reach, why I spend most of my waking time consumed by different things that don’t relate to my job or my day to day life. I’m searching for some sort of meaningful thing that I want my life to be about, but even I recognize that likely isn’t how life works. Almost every waking moment when I’m alone and not doing my job or doing survival upkeep, I’m researching things online. I go down several YouTube and Reddit rabbit holes every day, usually on some technical topics I convince myself I’m interested in. Or I’m drafting up project ideas that, if I actually managed to do, would make me the person who I think I want to be.

sad again

Fri, 26 Apr 2024 00:43:02 +0000

I’m sad because we don’t really talk about anything anymore. I think you’re okay with that, but I haven’t gotten to the feeling okay about that stage. Maybe there just isn’t much to talk about? Maybe I’m remembering a way things used to be, but reality wasn’t actually like that? Or maybe I’m just a lot more dependent on you for my emotional state than you’re dependent on me for your emotional state, idk

im sad

Wed, 24 Apr 2024 11:46:35 +0000

I’m sad because I haven’t made any measurable progress towards my goal of getting a better job that I like more and that pays more

I’m also sad because I haven’t achieved anything for a long time; personal life or career wise

I feel sad when I feel pressured to do something, and I feel pressured to do something really easily. When I feel sad about it, that stops me from being able to do the thing easily, so it’s a difficult cycle

moody

Sun, 14 Apr 2024 02:11:30 +0000

Yk my mood fluctuates a lot almost every day, or atleast multiple times a week.

There’s always a creeping depressive period that culminates with me just zoning out and sitting doing nothing. Or it’ll present itself as intense anxiety and feeling overwhelmed but my mind is too cloudy to isolate whats bothering me in particular. So I’ll attempt to distract myself with something comforting but it never works and I end up wasting a lot of time.

dissociated

Mon, 25 Mar 2024 22:25:48 +0000

Between 5:30 and 7:30 today I did a lot of thinking and it feels like I came to some conclusions.

The first was that I’m happy to stick with a data-related career. And I think I still want to aim to end up as a machine learning engineer that primarily does ML system architecture (it’s okay if these words mean nothing, it’s not important). Why this is an important revelation is because now I can let go of the idea of doing embedded dev (similar to what Dhruv and Andrew do I think) as a job and just focus on progressing in the realm I’m currently in. I’m still interested in it, but I think it’ll be better for me to do it as a hobby.